I’d like to have my own monkey but then I remember this story in the news recently about a family terrorized by their pet monkey who subsequently attacked them, mangling the husbands testicles and chewing off his nose and slashing the hell out of the wife.

I think I’ll stick to goldfish.

Check out the link below for the whole story and one of the funniest forum exchanges I have ever seen.

Serious. This is priceless. And also it might be a little (NSFW) just so you know.

- LINK

Push the button.

Hooray for emergency buttons.

In fact, it might be better suited for the “ugly lady/perverted dude” groups.

This is clearly not a child’s toy.

You give em’ crabs.

RevengeCrabs.com specializes in selling you crabs, so you can in turn give them to the person that wronged you.

It would be hard to believe that this is a legitimate website but the creators have put some serious effort into making it seem that way.

I do suggest checking out the FAQ section of the site for a good laugh.

Luckily, I haven’t been cheated on (that I know of) so I will not be seeking the help of Revenge Crabs but for those of you who have…I totally support this idea.

I’ve never typed “puppet show” into google and I’ve definitely never checked the local paper for puppet-related showtimes.

But now that I’ve seen this video, my eyes have been opened to the puppet-y possibilities!

On a side note, I do have to deduct awesome points from the creator for not making the puppets actually look like Lemmy from Motorhead being as that is one of my favorite bands.

“Who would win in a fight…Lemmy or God?”

Judging by the neon and hairspray it’s safe to assume they are from the 80’s.

Extra points if you can tell what planet they are from.

I’m not entirely sure but I think I recognize Jimmy Fallon on the far right and Dean Winters on the far left. The other two are a mystery. 

I can’t wait for their VH-1 “Where Are They Now”!

Prostitutes don’t just deal in sex, in fact, you can pay a prostitute for just about anything (or so I’ve heard). Why not keep the hookers around and maybe even use them to your advantage?

Teppenyaki restaurants give you a show while preparing your meal.

Medieval Times has jousting and sword fighting while you enjoy your food.

Zapata’s could be the first restaurant to have live acts performed by ladies of the night.

Whore Boxing could be the new “Dinner and a Show”!

Some companies just don’t know good marketing.

This is video isn’t even part of his routine but a live interview on a news channel where Mr. Morgan showed up a little drunk which makes for a better interview than you could ask for.

“Someone’s getting pregnant!”